Total pages in book: 72
Estimated words: 71595 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 358(@200wpm)___ 286(@250wpm)___ 239(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 71595 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 358(@200wpm)___ 286(@250wpm)___ 239(@300wpm)
Back then, I had prayed for strength.
Today isn’t any different. I still need strength, but I also need to beg for forgiveness. I forgot myself, got greedy, and now I’m paying the price.
After dropping several hundred-yen coins into the donation box, I take one of the ema tablets hanging from the wooden display board. Ema literally means ‘picture of a horse,’ although these days the small wooden plaque can sport all sorts of images, ranging from the current year’s zodiac sign to even cute Rilakkuma ones.
It takes a while to write down my wish at the back of the tablet. I’m doing my best to write everything in Kanji without getting help from my dictionary app. Hopefully, it would score me a couple of brownie points with the gods, which I’m badly in need of.
When I’m done, I move to the other board where all the written wishes are on display. As I hang mine on a vacant hook, another person comes up from behind me, and I move to the side, thinking it’s a local devotee.
“Momo said I’d find you here.”
My heart jumps as I whirl around. “Yuki.” I used to call him a ninja god because of how stealthy he is, and that part of him obviously hasn’t changed. “You scared me to death.” As always, he’s a sight for sore eyes, but it’s also one of those instances when he makes my heart ache.
Yuki’s face remains unsmiling.
As always, I can’t help thinking, because yesterday’s events still has me feeling a little raw.
“What are you doing here?” Yuki seems to be speaking between clenched teeth.
Whoa. I finally notice the nearly violent look in his eyes, and I blurt out, “Are you mad?” Again, I almost add, but I manage not to. No point rubbing salt on the wound, especially when it’s my wound and not his.
“You truly have to ask?” he snarls.
“Umm, yes, I think I should because I have no idea why you’d—-” And then it hits me. The way he keeps asking me what I’m doing visiting a shrine on a weekday, and that look in his eyes...
He’s looking at me like he’s watching me drown myself, and no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn’t save me.
My stomach starts cramping again, but it’s a bittersweet kind of pain. “Yuki—-” I unthinkingly reach out for him, but he stiffens, and I have to swallow my disappointment as I let my arm fall back against my side. One at a time, KC. You can’t have everything in one go.
“You still haven’t answered my question.” Yuki’s tone is harsh, and my stomach cramps harder at the sound.
“It’s not what you think,” I say gently. “I only have afternoon classes. So, no, you didn’t make me skip school or anything.” It was what I once did, just to show up for a job interview, back when I was scrambling for ways to make money so I could be of help to him. I also got caught, and it was the straw that broke the camel’s back for my parents. It must also have done the same thing for Yuki, now that I think of it, since he stopped taking my calls after that.
When Yuki doesn’t speak, I say more insistently, “I’ve changed. I know you have a hard time believing me, but so many things have happened since then. I’ve grown up. I’ve learned my lesson. And I can promise you—-” I give him a tentative smile as I cross my heart. “I’m not going to self-destruct just because things don’t turn out the way I want to.”
He still doesn’t speak, but the way his body gradually relaxes tells me that my words have gotten through. It’s another bittersweet sight, and now it’s just not my stomach cramping. My heart joins in the torture this time, aching in a way that makes me want to grip my chest.
Be still, my heart. Be really still before you make me cry.
I can’t stop thinking of how he looked at me, can’t stop thinking of how helpless I made him feel every time he saw me fall apart. God, I was such an idiot. All those times that I thought I was trying to save him, and I couldn’t see the woods for the trees until it was too late—-
And he had no choice but to leave me.
“I know it’s a little too late,” I say jerkily, “but I want to say sorry again about how I made you feel in the past. I kept saying that I was doing all those things because I wanted to help you, but—-” I shake my head. “I can’t lie to myself now. Everything I did back then was because I was insecure. I was desperate to keep you by my side because I was scared that if you left, you would find another girl to love.” My words come to an uneven halt as my lungs struggle to work. It’s the air in Tokyo, I tell myself. That’s what’s making it so hard to breathe. It’s not like I’m having a panic attack because—-