Total pages in book: 84
Estimated words: 78340 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 392(@200wpm)___ 313(@250wpm)___ 261(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 78340 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 392(@200wpm)___ 313(@250wpm)___ 261(@300wpm)
“You would have been there if you could. It’s not your fault our parents kept us apart,” I said gently. “And I appreciate you getting that stuff for me. You’re right that I didn’t have time to go to a drugstore. One thing I’m pretty good at, though, is doing research. I made sure to read up on this subject, so I’d be ready just in case I decided to go there.”
“You’ve always been smart. Way smarter than me, that’s for sure. I figured this was probably the one and only thing I knew more about than you did, but of course you’ve got it under control.” He smiled when he said that, but I could see he was still feeling a little emotional.
I sat back down at the table with him and admitted, “Honestly, there’s still a lot I don’t know. It’s just really hard for me to talk about sex. You know the way we were raised.”
“Yeah. How many times did our parents tell us sex was wrong and dirty unless it was a married straight couple making babies?”
“Even though I know they were wrong, I guess I internalized some of that shame and guilt anyway. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to talk about sex now.”
“I’m so glad you finally got away from them,” Lark said. “I can’t even imagine what twenty-three years in that environment did to you. In fact, now that I think about it, they actually did me a favor by kicking me out at fifteen. When I went to live with Gran, well, her views on sex and being gay weren’t a whole lot different than our parents. But at least she went with more of a ‘let’s never speak of it’ approach.”
I blurted, “I’m so sorry, Lark. God, I’m sorry.”
My brother looked confused. “Why are you apologizing?”
“Because I stayed. I should have gone with you to Gran’s when they kicked you out, but I didn’t. Then I failed you again by not moving out the second I turned eighteen. Instead, I stayed in that house. I thought my fucking education was so damn important, so I prioritized paying for school over paying for my own place. They probably thought I chose their side over yours, but I didn’t, and I should have made sure they knew that. I should have made sure you knew it, too.”
“I knew you were on my side. I’ve always known that.” Lark got up and grabbed me in a hug as he told me, “You didn’t do anything wrong, Logan.”
“Yes, I did. I should have had your back.”
“You did! Don’t you remember the way you screamed and yelled when they kicked me out? You were always so quiet that it shocked the hell out of me. You pitched a huge fit, and you tried to come with me, but our parents wouldn’t let you. You were only twelve years old, so it’s not like you had a say in it. And then a few weeks later, you tried to run away to Gran’s apartment. You figured out like, five different bus routes to get there. But when you showed up on her doorstep, Gran said she couldn’t support both of us and sent you home again. You were so upset. I was, too.”
I whispered, “I forgot a lot of that.”
He crouched down in front of me and took my hand. “You probably blocked it out. It was pretty awful.” He took a breath and said softly, “I always felt so guilty for leaving you with our parents.”
“You can’t blame yourself for that, Lark. You were just a kid, same as me. You didn’t have control over any of it.”
“I know, but that’s just how I feel.” He sighed and sat back on his heels. “I guess we’ve both been carrying a lot of guilt around, but that’s not right. The only people who should feel guilty are our rotten parents for kicking me out in the first place. You’re right that we couldn’t control what happened to us as kids, and I don’t blame you for staying after you turned eighteen. I knew you were working hard toward that degree, because it meant freedom to you. It was your way of making sure you’d be able to take care of yourself once and for all, without ever having to rely on our parents for anything.”
“That’s exactly what I thought. Being so broke all the time made me feel trapped, and I put all my energy into trying to build a better future for myself. Maybe I should have made different choices, but I’d latched onto the idea that a degree was my most reliable way to get out for good, so I put everything I had into that.”
Lark asked, “Do you think you’ll be able to finish school? Maybe you could transfer your credits to one of the local colleges or something.”