Total pages in book: 78
Estimated words: 76309 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 382(@200wpm)___ 305(@250wpm)___ 254(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 76309 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 382(@200wpm)___ 305(@250wpm)___ 254(@300wpm)
“Can I admit something to you?” I say, glancing up at him. A little knot of worry begins to dig itself into my spine.
“If you’re about to say how much you love getting fucked by me, don’t bother, I already know.”
“So modest,” I say, pinching his arm. He laughs, shaking me off. “I’m being serious though.”
“Go ahead. Admit away.”
“I’m worried about this.” I kiss his chest.
“The job tomorrow?”
“Yes,” I say, but shake my head. “And also, what happens after.”
He’s quiet, staring up at the ceiling. I can’t read his face. He’s good at shutting it down, at hiding his emotions when that’s what he wants. “I think you’d be crazy not to worry, at least a little bit.”
“That’s not really making me feel better.”
“Tell me exactly what you’re thinking then.”
I pull away. If I stay on top of him, I won’t be able to think straight. I lean on an elbow, facing him, noses even despite him towering over me when we’re standing upright.
“You’re a drifter,” I say, letting that hang for a moment.
“I don’t really love the implications of the word drifter. Like I’m some hook-wielding murderer looking for teens making out on Lover’s Point.”
“You know what I’m saying. You’re restless. You’ve been moving around Europe for a long time now, never sitting still.”
“That’s true,” he admits, brushing my hair from my face.
“Then why would I think you’re going to stop now? Why would I think you’re going to stop drifting when this is over?” I squirm slightly, not happy with how vulnerable I’m making myself.
But he only nods. “I understand what you’re saying.”
“Do you?” I feel like I might explode. All the emotions I’ve been managing to suppress through a combination of fear and anxiety rush into me now. “Because I feel some type of way about you, Lanzo, and I can’t stand the thought of you leaving when this is done. I know we never discussed the future, but I’m starting to have thoughts about it.”
“I don’t want to leave,” he whispers softly, reaching for me, but I pull away. If I let him keep touching me, it’ll only weaken my resolve.
“That’s not the same as staying.” I roll onto my back. “I’m not going to force you to give up your life for me. You have things over there, friends and colleagues, you have a job or whatever you call it, you have everything. I’m just some random, nobody girl you met at a really weird time in our lives. I saw Burian’s face, and that made me useful for a little while, but now you’ve seen it too. You don’t need me anymore. I can’t possibly imagine you’re going to stop everything and stay behind, just because I want you to. And honestly, I don’t want to ask you to, I never really thought you would, I never really expected it, and I guess I just kept putting it off, until—”
“Renata,” he says, interrupting me. I clap my mouth shut, teeth clicking together.
I went ahead and spilled my guts to him, embarrassed myself, and now he’s going to let me down.
Softly, gently, but still down.
The freefall is coming to an end, the ground is rushing up to meet my face.
That’s what happens when you let yourself drop with nothing there to catch you.
Eventually, you break.
“It’s fine,” I say, closing my eyes. I won’t cry in front of him. I won’t let him know how much this kills me. “You’re just some macho asshole, right? We had fun, and now it’s over. You don’t have to say anything else. It was nice while it lasted.”
“Renata. Look at me.” Back to his sharp, commanding tone.
Which still annoys the hell out of me.
“I’d rather not. Actually, if I could just never open my eyes again, that’d be great. You can let me down now. You don’t have to make it easy, just make it quick, okay?”
“Renata, I’m not letting you down. I’m never going to let you down.”
I open one eye. “Excuse me? Don’t start giving me hope. Seriously, that’s such a fucked-up thing to do. I know it’s not easy, dumping someone, but be reasonable. You’re going to Europe. I’m staying here with Grandpop. That’s the end of it. This is good, it’s really good, but it was never going to work forever, so let’s just not pretend.”
He shakes his head, looking exasperated. “That’s what I keep trying to say. I’m not going back to Europe.”
I go very still. A little crack of hope appears in my otherwise charred heart. Can he be serious right now? “Don’t joke. Don’t tease. You mean for a few weeks, right? Then you’re going back? An extension, that’s all.”
His smile nearly kills me. Like a parachute, or a pair of wings. “I’ve been thinking a lot about my life. About what it’s meant traveling around, chasing after nothing. Running from myself. I tried to tell you before, but if it didn’t sink in, then I’ll be more direct. I’m staying here, with you, indefinitely. So long as you want me to.”