Total pages in book: 35
Estimated words: 33254 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 166(@200wpm)___ 133(@250wpm)___ 111(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 33254 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 166(@200wpm)___ 133(@250wpm)___ 111(@300wpm)
With careful fingers, I reached out to touch the skin, and she flinched.
“Ow! What the fluff? Are you poking me with a goddamn needle?”
“Cass, honey, don’t be alarmed, but there’s some really weird shit happening right now.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked, sitting up in the bed and scrubbing at her eyes with one hand to clear her vision. Hyperactively trying to gain her focus, she let her gaze hop from the bedside table to the curtains to the floor and back to the bed. As expected, that’s where they stopped. “Wait…why is everything blue?”
“I don’t fluffing know. And that’s not the worst of it.”
Tenderly, I gestured with my chin for her to have a gander between her legs to the giant mound of swollen, red, still-sparkly skin. As soon as she looked, I kind of wished she hadn’t. “Holy hell! Oh my fluffing shit! What happened to me?!”
“I don’t know, honey, but it doesn’t look good.”
“My pussy looks like a fluffing blowfish!”
I grimaced. But also, I nodded. “Maybe she got startled like that little fucker does in Finding Nemo.”
“Thatch!” Cassie snapped, smacking me for my largely unhelpful commentary. “This isn’t funny. What is happening?”
I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t fucking know. Cass’s pussy looked like she’d gone to a fucking seafood buffet while we were sleeping and had a goddamn allergic reaction to shellfish, and don’t even get me started on the blue stains everywhere.
Shit.
“Cass, honey, I think you might be having a reaction to the jewels.”
She looked at me with wide, terrified eyes and hopped up off the bed.
Before I could stop her, she was running into the bathroom to examine her lady bits in the mirror.
Several high-pitched screams followed, and I jumped up from the bed, my dick flopping in the wind as I hauled ass to the bathroom to make sure she was okay.
I found her sitting on the toilet, tears in her eyes, peeing and grimacing at the same time. “Oh my God! It hurts, Thatcher! It burns so bad right now!”
Ah fuck, this wasn’t good.
Not only was my wife’s normally beautiful pussy having some kind of serious reaction to getting what was apparently called vajazzled, but it was so fucking bad, she could hardly manage to take a piss.
I did my best to help her relax, kneeling in front of her while she grimaced on the toilet and placing my hands gently on her thighs. “It’s going to be okay, honey. I’ll make sure of it.”
Tears filled her eyes. “It hurts so bad.”
Fuck. I hated to see my Cassie in pain.
Finally done peeing, she stood up off the toilet, and that’s when I started to get really fucking worried.
The whole seat was covered in blue now.
“Oh, my fluffing shit!” she screamed. “Everything I touch is turning blue! Has Willy fucking Wonka been here with his candy or something?”
I tried to make sense of it all by racking my brain for rational causes. Denim staining her skin was out because she hadn’t worn any jeans, so what—
“Thatcher! Do you see this?” Cassie continued to screech, freaking the fuck out enough that it interrupted my thoughts. “I am turning blue! Everything is blue! Oh my God, do you think the baby is okay?”
Fuuuck. Why hadn’t I considered that this was spreading to the fruit of my loins?
“Oh, what the fluff? You think our kid is blue too?”
“I don’t know!” she shouted and started to pace in the bathroom. “Do I look like a woman who knows what the fuck is going on?”
“What in the fuck is happening?” I asked, and my heart was pounding like a goddamn kickdrum inside my chest. “Your pussy is all fluffed up and your skin is blue and what if our kid is blue too? I mean, Cass, we’re going to have to call that fluffing Blue Man Group now! It’ll be the only goddamn job he can get if he comes out looking like a fucking Smurf!”
“Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. It probably won’t even still be on Broadway by the time he’s old enough to cogitate,” she muttered, still pacing. “I think I might’ve done this! I think I just ruined our baby because I had to be selfish and get my stupid beaver vajazzled! I’m the worst mom—ever!”
Fuck. My woman had a fist of steel, but I’d never taken a harder punch to the nuts than hearing the love of my life say those words and mean them. Cassie wasn’t going to be a bad mom. She couldn’t be even if she tried. She had energy and spirit and so much fucking love to give. I needed to man the fuck up and calm her down enough so that she could understand all of that for herself.
“Cass, honey, this isn’t your fault.”