Total pages in book: 60
Estimated words: 56606 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 283(@200wpm)___ 226(@250wpm)___ 189(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 56606 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 283(@200wpm)___ 226(@250wpm)___ 189(@300wpm)
“Not really, but we gotta get Maritza what she asked for,” he replies, “Hey, dad?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t want to get mom’s car. I don’t want to leave Zizi. Can we sit here and wait? When she’s okay we can get her noodles and tea real fast.”
I pull him to my side giving him a squeeze. “You betcha. In fact, I’ll use one of those apps and get the shit delivered to us. That way we have it for her, but don’t need to leave.”
We go to a bench in the pool area not far from her room. “What can I do for you Hollis? This is a lot to take in.”
He looks to the sky like he’s trying to put his thoughts together. “I don’t understand why mom did it.”
“Neither do I.” I give him the truth. I know I’ve been given the quick version of Anna owing money to someone and being roped into making contact with Emmalee Van Etten because she was the key to getting the millions back that her dad stole from Patrick O’Leary. The world I live in, I understand the players like O’Leary and the lengths they will go to in order to recover what belongs to them.
“I should have called you. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have put Zizi in this. It’s my fault she is hurt.” He hangs his head down.
It’s my turn to look to the sky for some unknown answer. “None of this is your fault, Hollis. I’ll spend the rest of my days doing anything for you to know that. As for not calling me. I understand it. I get that you were worried about your mom getting into trouble. None of us could have predicted what she was into.”
“You’re not mad?”
I shake my head. “No son, I’m not mad. What I will say is trust is important. As a man, people have to being about to believe in you. Secrets can’t exist in the same space as trust. When Zizi gave you the code, I knew about it. She told me it was a thing for you. I am sure neither of you ever expected it to be used for this. It came about from your first sleepover.”
“I shouldn’t have used it?”
Sighing, I try to explain, “You were right to use it. You needed a safe place, and she is always it. Do not for one second doubt your decision. The bad things that have happened aren’t on you. Adults do dumb shit, and some adults have made some very bad decisions. That has trickled down to you. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through.”
Home feels completely different.
Anna is gone.
There is something about young love that keeps a hold. We weren’t mature enough for all we went through. I wasn’t man enough to see she needed more from me than I gave. She suffered long before things fell apart. Her life unraveled in unimaginable ways. I didn’t even know she had a drug problem until it was too late. I knew she drank frequently, but I thought it was a release, not that she used drugs to cope. Something I didn’t understand until now is mental health. We never talked about it. Watching my son go through this trauma I have learned a lot and Anna had some serious mental health struggles. Her detachment early on with Hollis probably stemmed from something called postpartum depression. Left undiagnosed, and therefore untreated, the hormone waves of insecurity manifested into something more.
I wish I had seen it clearly. I wish I had stopped to get her help. I failed Anna. I failed the mother of my child. It’s something I am trying to come to terms with.
Healing is a journey. I never thought about it until watching Hollis process this loss. We have been home about two weeks from Florida. While part of me wished we could have stayed in the bubble of Florida, me, Hollis, and Maritza, there were things we needed to face back home. I managed to put together a small memorial service for Anna. The only people to come from Iowa were my cousins, Aunt and Uncle. No one in her family bothered to come even after I sent my family to personally give them the update. These people never gave her real love, or my son. It’s their loss to not have a relationship with Hollis. But for Anna, I hurt. The only family she ever experienced was the one we built. Yet, the trauma from her youth never gave way to allow her to embrace the love I tried to give her. I hope now, she is at peace. Her urn awaits Hollis to be older. Then he can decide if he wants to put them in a mausoleum or spread them somewhere.
Maritza found a therapist for Hollis, and it’s been helpful. Never in a million years did I see this as my future. I feel responsible. The weight of guilt weighs heavy on me.