Total pages in book: 140
Estimated words: 135652 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 678(@200wpm)___ 543(@250wpm)___ 452(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 135652 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 678(@200wpm)___ 543(@250wpm)___ 452(@300wpm)
Sasha is on the phone to her mum, I know she’s worried but no advice can be given. I’d say I feel bad for putting this on my friend, for loading my grief onto her and being ungrateful about it but I don’t feel anything.
There isn’t a day that doesn’t rain in ones grieving mind.
“Mum, I’ll call you back,” Sasha says when she sees me stood in the doorway. She places her phone on the side and smiles softly. “Come on, let’s go for a walk.”
I shake my head, “I can’t face the outside world yet Sash. Please don’t make me.”
She frowns slightly, so slightly I barely see it. “Sure. Let’s play a board game then.”
“No thanks.” I sit on the stool, my head resting on my hands. “You can leave if you have to. You have classes and a job.”
Sasha quirks a brow at me, “I have been leaving. Have you been getting out of bed at all while I’ve been gone?”
She’s been gone? “Sorry.”
“I’m worried about you,” this is said in kindness, her tone screams of sincerity and concern.
“Me too,” I mutter and stare out of the window. “Why’d he leave me, Sasha?”
“He didn’t.”
I shake my head, “Spare me the spiritual bullshit.”
“Shall we cook something?” I shake my head in response. “I’m going to cook us something.”
“I’m going back to bed,” I whisper and climb back off the stool.
“I’m just trying to help.”
I nod, my face as blank as my soul. “I know babe and I’m sorry your efforts are lost on me.”
“It’ll get better,” she clasps my hand with her own and gazes at me with warm eyes. “I promise it’ll get better.”
No it won’t. I don’t say this though, I just retreat back to my naked bed and pull a pillow over my head. I lie here in darkness waiting for it to consume me. Then I realise… it already has.
******
We have to drive for three and a half hours to get to the funeral. So do all of our friends from town which is irritating. The journey doesn’t end quickly enough and when we get there I keep my eyes on my shoes until I’m seated. I don’t absorb anything, I daren’t.
I do scan the room though, I want to see how many people Caleb touched in his short life.
I’m grateful when no one talks to me from his side, although I doubt they even know who I am. I’m just some knocked up woman in a navy dress. There was no way I was going to wear black. Caleb wouldn’t have wanted me to.
His family sit on the opposite side of the room, they don’t look at me. Not that I care.
I’m watching the coffin be carried by people I don’t know. I glance around at faces I’ve never seen and then glance at the ones I have. They’re all sad, all of them. I don’t get it, it’s almost like his life has been split in half. On one side of the room, the side I’m sat on, is everyone from my town that knew him. On the other is everyone from his old life, before I knew him. They’re all formal and distant with each other. On my side everyone clings to each other. It’s strange. I could never imagine Caleb on the opposite side, I can’t imagine him ever being distant and aloof, especially not such a traumatic time.
His picture sits on top of his casket, baby blue flowers spell his name along the sides. It hurts, I can’t look at his picture it slices me too deep.
His mother cries, his dad sheds a tear, his brother doesn’t. His brother sits with a stern expression on his face looking more bored than anything. Why are they even here? They disowned him! Sure I know that they sorted this funeral out and the wake, because Caleb and I aren’t married therefore I’m apparently lucky to be here according to a harsh whisper from his mother to his brother.
Lucky?
I don’t care. I don’t care about any of them.
It's emotional but I can contain my emotion and the urge to cry uncontrollably by focusing my thoughts on other people in the room, the flowers, the vicar and only the odd tear falls. The pain is indescribable but it’s also shadowed by a numbness I’ve never felt. I feel like I’m on the outside looking in, my soul is scratching at the surface, wanting to leave my body and go with him. It’s an almost desperate feeling of loneliness and nothingness, almost as if there’s no longer a heart in my chest and only a gaping pit of despair. My skin tingles and my eyes blink the tears that blur my vision. I don’t want to miss this. I’m sadistic but I need to see it. I need to feel it.