Total pages in book: 131
Estimated words: 130255 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 651(@200wpm)___ 521(@250wpm)___ 434(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 130255 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 651(@200wpm)___ 521(@250wpm)___ 434(@300wpm)
“It’s obvious, is it not?”
“If it were obvious, don’t you think I’d have guessed it?”
“Maximillian, I don’t like your attitude.”
“I don’t have an attitude, Grandmother.”
She turned and waved half a pool noodle at me. “Grandmother? That’s an attitude there, boyo. Cut it out.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“That’s better. Just because Ellie handed you your arse in a gift-wrapped package doesn’t give you the right to snipe at me.”
I narrowed my eyes. “How do you know we had a disagreement?”
“One, I know everything.” Grandma slid the other half of the trimmed noodle on Goatzart’s other horn. “Second, it wasn’t a disagreement. It was you being rude after an acceptable apology and then being shocked when she called you on your bullshit.”
“Please don’t use that language.”
“I’ll use whatever language I like. Would you prefer I swore at you in French? Perhaps Italian? I’m sure I can search my brain for it. It’s been a while, so it might come out Greek.”
Jesus. Did she have a dictionary of foreign swearwords stored in some obscure part of her brain?
“I’d prefer you didn’t swear at all,” I replied honestly.
“It fucking sucks to be you, then.”
I dropped my chin to my chest.
That’s it. I was applying parental controls to her Internet.
That’s something I never thought I’d have to do to my grandmother.
“It’s just a cat, Max. Cats get out—even house cats stage an escape here and there.” She adjusted the pool noodles on Goatzart’s horns, then stood back to survey her handiwork.
I’d never seen a goat look so stupid in all my life.
“That’s not the point, Grandma. We have rare birds here.”
“And they are not daft enough to go near a cat. The farm cats wander about all the time!”
“They never go near the lake.”
“Of course not. Cats hate water.”
“The birds are on the lake, and that’s where her cat is.”
“Where did you find the cat? Was he sunning himself on the deck? Swimming with the ducks? That’s what I’d do if I were a cat.” She held out another pool noodle, and I cut it in two. “I think you’re being dramatic.”
“He was in the goat barn.”
She barked out a laugh. “Even more reason for you to calm down, dear. What’s he going to do in here? Look at these horns.” She punctuated that by sliding a pool noodle down onto Leonardo DiCaprigoat’s left horn.
“Not going to lie,” I said slowly, watching her do the same to the other one. “They’re rather less threatening with bright pink pool noodle accessories.”
She sniffed. “Yes, well, they keep fighting. If they can’t behave, they can be drag queen goats instead.”
“I…” I literally had no response to that.
The woman had lost her mind.
“That cat of Ellie’s won’t do anything to my goats,” she continued, holding out yet another noodle for me.
“This is the last one,” I warned, cutting it in two.
“Yes, yes,” she replied, brushing me off. “I don’t mind if Winston goes on a wander.”
“Well, I do mind.”
“You’re miserable, Max.”
“I’m not miserable. She agreed she’d keep him inside. It’s been a matter of days and she’s already broken that promise. She didn’t even realise he’d escaped.”
“Of course she didn’t. He’s her cat, not a fire engine. You just don’t like cats.”
“I like cats,” I replied warily. “I get along with Rosie, don’t I?”
“You get along with Rosie because she catches the rats.” Grandma gave me a pointed look. “Winston is a Maine Coon, isn’t he?”
I shrugged. “He’s a cat.”
“Maine Coons are excellent mousers. You should be glad of an extra pair of paws for a few weeks.”
“I think you’re being awfully lenient on her. If she were anyone other than your favourite author, you’d be hopping bloody mad about this.”
“Are you calling me a hypocrite?”
“If the shoe fits.”
“I shall beat you with that shoe, boy,” Grandma said firmly. “I don’t know what you have against that girl, but I suggest you shove it up your arse and get over it.”
I stared at her. “I don’t have anything against her. I would just prefer she keep her cat inside. I’ve worked hard on the—”
“If you bring up that ruddy bird project of yours, I will have Goatzart ram you with his horns.”
“That would be a lot more threatening without his new earrings.”
“I can slide them off, you know.”
I rolled my eyes. “You can dislike me bringing it up all you like. I’ve worked hard with the wildlife trust to increase the breeding numbers of peregrine falcons and owls in the area. A lot of the breeding pairs have young right now, and the last thing I need is a cat killing their babies.”
Grandma sighed and leaned on the gate, ignoring the way Leonardo DiCaprigoat was munching on her sleeve. “I know. You’ve done a wonderful job with it all, Max, but sometimes you cannot fight nature. Cats have a right to roam, and they’re predators.”