Total pages in book: 94
Estimated words: 89224 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 446(@200wpm)___ 357(@250wpm)___ 297(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 89224 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 446(@200wpm)___ 357(@250wpm)___ 297(@300wpm)
“Of course.” I fight back the tears I feel crawling up my throat while forcing a smile. “We should probably get home too. I have a full calendar tomorrow.” I scoot out of the booth behind Eli when he stands.
“We’ll talk soon,” Lynn whispers as she hugs me, and the tears I can no longer control fill my eyes.
God, I hate crying.
“Yeah.” I let her go and hug Mica with my chin down so he doesn’t see the state I’m in.
As we all leave the restaurant together, I replay what just happened over and over in my head and try to convince myself that I misunderstood Eli, that I took things out of context, as he and I walk down the block to our building in silence. Did I drink too much and misconstrue something?
Feeling completely sober by the time we get into our apartment, I turn to face the man I fell in love with three years ago when I hear the door click closed behind him.
“You don’t want kids?” I slip off my coat and toss it toward the couch, watching him shake his head. “Since when?”
“A while.”
“A while,” I repeat as I stare at him. What does that even mean? A week, a year, a few months? “You never said anything.”
“We’re happy.”
“You’re happy,” I whisper, and his chin jerks back like I’ve struck him. “I want more.”
“Emma.”
“I want to get married, even if it is just a stupid piece of paper. I want to wear a white dress and stand in front of the people I love as I make a vow to the person meant for me. And I want kids. I want to be a mom.” I press my fist against my chest over my heart, which feels like it’s trying to escape through my ribs. “I want to shove all the love my parents left inside of me into another human, who will soak it all up and share it, so someone, somewhere will be reminded there is more good than bad in this world.” I drag in a deep breath as tears slide down my cheeks. “So, you’re happy, but I’m not, because even though I love you, I don’t know that it’s enough to make me forget just how much I’ll be missing out on if I give up on a dream I’ve had since I can remember.”
“I love you.” Those three words. God, I wanted to hear those words so badly when I knew I was in love with him. I used to go home after each date and pray he was feeling even a little of what I was.
“I know.” I swallow, wishing that was enough, that his love could hold me over for the next fifty or sixty years of my life. But I’m not sure it will.
“Emma.” He walks toward me and wraps me in a hug. “Don’t be angry.”
I’m not. I’m not anything right now. I feel hollow.
“I just… I just need some time to think,” I whisper, stepping out of his hold as I wipe the wetness from my cheeks.
“I’ll give you whatever time you need,” he says quietly, and I nod, then turn and walk to our bedroom, closing the door behind me.
Getting undressed, I crawl into bed and stare at the door, hoping that if I just give him some time, he’ll come in here and tell me that he didn’t mean what he said.
But he never comes.
CHAPTER 2
emma
I already knew that having your heart broken was painful. I had no idea that the pain could be amplified by the man who caused the pain going out of his way to make sure you’re okay.
Chin wobbling, I blink back the tears filling my eyes as I read the text Eli sent again.
Eli: I don’t want you to have to stay with Miranda, so tonight, I’m going to pack up most of my stuff, and tomorrow, I’ll move out and stay with Ben. I’ll give you the apartment and pay half the rent until we figure things out.
Having dated men who cheated, men who lied, and men who were just plain assholes, I can’t help but wonder if I’m expecting too much from Eli. Is getting married and having kids really that important?
Deep down, I know the answer, but accepting the truth of it is difficult right now.
Typing back a quick thank-you, I let the phone drop to my chest and look up at the ceiling.
Yesterday morning, after a night of absolutely no sleep, Eli and I talked for a few minutes before he had to leave for work. That conversation was not a great one. He basically told me that he would marry me if it meant that much to me, but he absolutely did not want kids and wasn’t going to change his mind on the subject. He wasn’t callous about it, but it still cut deep that he thought offering up marriage like a consolation prize was enough. Especially when he told me the night prior that he didn’t even really want that. So, I told him I was going to move out, because I knew living with him and trying to figure out what I wanted wouldn’t work.